When you see yourself in the mirror and thinking about your dreams, thought, and feeling in midnight just like now. This post is not about something important to read, and I wish you’re not reading this too far as I wanted to write everything in my mind. I’m suffering a horrible feeling since I proclaim: “I’m completely moving on!” But, the feeling, an unstable wave in the ocean, still finding the equilibrium moment for fixing the unmatched side. Because in 7 days a row, every night, she comes to me in my dream. We shared together, laugh, and enjoy the day with joy and fun. I don’t know what the detail, what I know is I still thinking about her and I don’t expect too much; like she must beside me or etc. Feelings are raw, messy, and still kept inside. I cannot enforce the reality that she didn’t feel the same. But I don’t know why I fall in love with her so deeply.
Yesterday, I realized that it’s been 1 year since we talk and chatting in BBM. It’s funny how we keep talking every night and day to share about everything, and after 1 year is a different condition. We often argue some silly argument we have had, and I feel that’s quite annoying and I think that’s not me! It’s an excited-guy who can’t control himself.
I can’t talk “I love you” like others man so easily, because I prefer to show my feelings through actions other than actually using 3-magic-words. Instead of the typical “I love you,” I do care what you are doing there, what is your progress in this undergraduate thesis, about your research, etc. This is my way to show my expression. I kept talking with her dad in a very intense conversation, but every time I talk to him, I remember her. It’s weird, unusual, awkward, and confused. Because, it’s a different context and not related to her.
…but once you get the words out, you’d feel a lot better about it.
It has been a while since we’ve been away from each other. Last met with her in a short time in front of P24 room, she was sitting alone and I decided to go with her. It’s a rare chance for me as a long-admirer to talk with her. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can see her smiling like she did in Mocca concert and the shortest proximity of us, that is solace enough for me. And I woke up again and talk to myself, how lucky the man who possibly be to have her.
These are feelings that I never knew existed and now I never want to lose these feelings, not even for a moment.
– Your lifetime admirer.